The Raw Chicken in the Room {my Brazilian}

I'm going to warn you all now.  This isn't going to be a lady like post.  So if you don't like the words vagina, taint, or ass, stop reading.  It's fine, I understand.  I won't be mad.  This is a mommy blog so typically those aren't words regularly used.  But for today, I have to share this story to warn ladies everywhere of the conspiracy that is,
THE BRAZILIAN WAX.
This is the biggest conspiracy in the history of vaginas.  I'm dead serious.  I want to meet the woman who said, "Hey, I have an idea, let's wax our vaginas within an inch of their lives, all in the sake to look like pre pubescent girls when naked".  Who is that bitch?  Probably the same one that likes anal and having sex on her period.  
Do I sound angry?  I am angry.  Want to know why I'm angry?  Because women everywhere rave, RAVE about the Brazilian wax.  It's a way of life, their husbands love it, they love it.   What?  You love this? I have yet to be convinced that this is the best thing for me and my vagina.
My story starts over a month ago, when my two neighbors, who are going to Vegas with me, decided that we (the ladies) needed to get Brazilians for our trip.  It's going to be fun they said, we will all go together they said.  Well I had to go alone.  Which was probably better since I did scream a few times.  I had agonized about how painful this experience was going to be.  It's only now I realize I didn't agonize enough.   How do I put this gently?  Oh, wait I can't.   When my best friend asked how it was, I said  "It's like getting hot molten lava on your taint".  
Because let's be honest, that's pretty much the gist of it.  Also, I'm not sure a trip to your aesthetician should require you to do downward facing dog.   Just saying.  
Five facts I learned yesterday in regards to Brazilian Waxing:
One:  Bitches who say Brazilian waxes aren't that bad are liars.
Two: People who do wax vajays in such a way should also be licensed to do pap smears.   I mean, when in Rome...
Three: Neither my husband nor my OBGYN have gone to the places the waxing lady went to on Tuesday.  Like seriously I didn't even know there was hair there.
Four:  Brazilian wax literally means from your belly button to your tail bone.  Hence the downward facing dog requirement.
Five:  Brazilian waxes were invented by bored rich white women who needed another beauty treatment to add to their routine.  They are also the women who bleach their butt holes.
So of course after I got the wax, I sent a text to the person who was most excited for the wax.  The Hubbs.  You would think it was Christmas Eve with the excitement.  Actually no, he's not even that excited on Christmas Eve, he was excited like the night before the first Bulldog Tailgate.  Anyway, he asked how it was, and I gave him the hot molten lava on my undercarriage story.  He was in no way sympathetic.  Instead he wanted to know if I had a picture.  Yeah, because after having my vagina ripped for 45 minutes the first thing I did was take a picture of her.   So instead I sent him this:

Yes, I really sent this to the Hubbs via text message.

Because if you have ever had a Brazilian then you know this is what you are left with. I also posted this picture on Instagram saying that Vegas prep day 2 was to wax your ass, quite literally.
By the end of the night, I was kidney punching angry, because my neighbors reported back that they LOVE their smooth vajays.  That they will never every go back to the way they were before.  And I'm pissed because I don't like it.  I hate it.  I hate looking at a bald raw chicken every time I pee.  What is attractive about looking like a 12 year old?  Am I missing something here?  I mean besides the fact that it hurts like hell, I feel completely exposed.   And raw.  Like chicken.
I've come to the conclusion that this is no way to treat my vajay.  I didn't even abuse her in college.  I was nice and thought I took care of her.  She has been a trooper, you know birthing 2 kids and all.  Plus, she's a little old for going on such adventures that involve molten hot lava under the hood.  As you know, she doesn't even read Cosmo anymore.  I feel like I owe her an apology for keeping her so sheltered that her world was shattered by some hot wax and a yoga position.  
I'm still angry you know.  Again, who likes this?  Who?  I want names and addresses.  I'm sure the Hubbs will think it's fantastic.  All my girl friends are raving about.  Women everywhere are paying thousands a year to keep their eagles bald.    Am I really the only one who hates everything about this situation, called a Brazilian Wax?
Nope.  My vagina hates it too.
If you are visiting from GOMI or Baby Central here is an update on the chicken. Its part retraction part cautionary tale. Your welcome.