50 Shades of Twilight {Seriously?}


Warning:  This is just my opinion on the book Fifty Shades of Grey. 
If you have not read the book, or plan on reading it,
then please note there are some mild spoilers
that are going to be discussed today. 
If you don't care one way or the other,
here is my take on the "hottest" book around,
and why I sort of enjoyed it.

**********

I just finished Fifty Shades of Grey.  And I really wanted to like it.  I had heard all the buzz, I had read lots of reviews.  I had even watched Robin Roberts and Lara Spencer blush and get hot and bothered on GMA.  My sister in law, who is so conservative she makes Nancy Reagan look like Brittney Spears, liked the book.  So, "happy mother's day to me", I downloaded it my kindle.  And this was my first reaction:

Meet Ana Steele and Christian Grey:
Pinned Image
via Pinterest: Deanna Dyer /  http://media-cache5.pinterest.com
 
Ok, let me back up a little.  I knew going in that Fifty Shades was originally Twilight fan fiction.  E.L. James wrote "Master of the Universe", featuring Edward and Bella in some compromising positions.  I didn't have the privilege to read "universe", so I can't comment on that.  However I will say, after reading all four Twilight books, I would have devoured any and all racy material featuring Edward and Bella.
 
Here is why I can't love Fifty Shades, it is so clearly Twilight erotica that I almost threw my Kindle.  The characters in Fifty Shades have changed in name only.  Christian is no longer a vamp, but he is still controlling and foreboding.  Ana is still a plain Jane, klutzy as all get out, and still reading turn of the century British literature.  Oh and let's not forget "Jose" who is so clearly Jacob Black that I gagged!
 
Ana's mother is still unstable and child like, Christian's brother is Emmet Cullen, and his sister, just fresh from Paris, is Alice.  So much so, that I was waiting for her to have a vision where Victoria or the Volturi are on their way.
 
Now on to the smut here for a minute.  We all know that the real pull to this book are the sex scenes.  I will tell you right now I am no prude.  I am not embarrassed about sex or sexual preferences.  So the sex in this book was, as expected, hot and steamy.  It was erotic on a whole different level, especially if you like to be shackled, tied, spanked, or submitted into orgasm.  I'm all for getting tied up as much as the next gal, but seriously, when does Ana get to tie up Christan?
 
What got me the most about Fifty Shades was that I could only enjoy the book, because I read it as another book in the Twilight Saga.  Fifty Shades is an author's interpretation of what would happen if Edward put aside his traditional views, and decided to bed Bella, on his terms, ie. restraining her so she can't make him lose control.  I find it very telling that every time Ana blushes and flushes, that Christian loses all control, and becomes lustful for sex.  Much like Edward would become lustful for Bella's blood at the quickening of her heart or at the blush of her skin.  I kept yelling at my Kindle, "Just bite her already and turn her into a vampire!!!"  It's also my opinion that this is exactly what would have happened in Eclipse,  right after Bella graduated from Forks High, and Victoria didn't build her army and come looking for Bella.  I wonder how Stephanie Meyer feels about that.
 
It may also just be the 34 year old housewife and mother of two in me, but was anyone else exhausted by the sex scenes?  Sure they were enjoyable, and gave new meaning to "food for thought", but seriously?  I was exhausted!  I surely would not be able to wake up the next morning and do "it" all over again.  Just reading Fifty Shades made me long for my bed, and 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Maybe I'm showing my age, perhaps if I was 22 like Bella, I mean Ana, I'd be totally hot for Christian too, but I'd rather have a snack and a nap at this point. 
 
Fifty Shades had been deemed "mommy porn" and rightfully so, as it's very sexed up and no plot.  I kept waiting for a pizza delivery boy or a pool boy to show up.  I even wondered if Taylor, was going to film it all just to make it more like late night "skin-o-max".  If I'm being honest, I will say that I kept wondering if Christian would do something truly erotic to all the haggard moms like me.  Like say, take out the over flowing trash, or do the dishes that are stacked in the sink. 
 
Maybe someone needs to write new "mommy porn" with believable turn-ons like, kids that don't night wake, dad's who take the overnight feedings, and come home from work with take out.  Is it too much to ask, to have a scene where the most erotic action is being served breakfast in bed by a personal chef, and being told a housekeeper is on their way over, and that you are going to a spa day, where they show all your favorite shows on DVR? 
 
No?  Just me?
 
 

19 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. HAHAHAHA! I haven't read the book yet... and I probably will... and I'll probably "enjoy" the sex scenes bc well... duh. BUTTTTT I would much prefer mommy porn to be breakfast in bed, a massage, a nap or 7, then end it with my DVR ALL NIGHT LONG. SO yes. I totally agree with you!

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  3. After reading your post, I think I agree...BUT it's pretty "hot" with the first two books. I'm on book 3 and it's "okay"...funny, I'm over the sex scenes and now want some plot.
    I don't want to tarnish my vision of Edward and Bella, so I never really thought of these books as a "continuation"...
    but your "mommy porn" book is something I would definitely read!

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  4. I haven't read this book yet and have been looking forward to finally sitting down with it. And now after reading your post, I'm still looking forward to it. I loved the Twilight books and if it's a steamy-er version of Twilight, then I'll take it! ;)

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  5. Spoiler....
    I'm currently on book three of Fifty. I agree it is based on Twilight. Just a change of names and some tweaking of the characters. And lets not forgot how Christian saves Ana from getting hit and from being felt up by Jose. All and all, I like it. I just wish I had Ana's stamina...lol.

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  6. Ok, I keep hearing about this book but had no idea of the premise or anything. Thanks for the info so that I don't recommend it to my St. Momma! LOL I can just see me saying, "Oh I keep hearing about this, you should read it" to my sweet mother. And let's be honest. I'm glad you reviewed it so I don't pick it up unknowingly. No plans on reading it now... not my thing (I must be a prood :)!)

    Thanks! M.

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  7. Megan, seriously, are you in my head!?! I think we were separated at birth. I JUST had this same conversation yesterday on FB. I just finished book 1 and all I could think of was Twilight. I didn't even know there was a connection when I was reading it. I, too, felt exhausted by the sex scenes.

    One of my biggest gripes was how often the characters were said to have "muttered" or "murmured" their dialogue. My LEAST favorite line in the whole book? "Don't bite your lip."

    Having said that, it was still an enjoyable read. I started book two last night, and it's good so far...

    I'm going to share your post with my friends.

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  8. I have not read this series and now after reading your review, I don't think I will. I love the Twilight Saga and I know it would bug the hell out of me if someone copied and pasted Edward, Bella, Jacob and the rest of the Cullen clan into a book of sex. Like you, I am no prude, I don't have any problem discussing sex, but if someone is going to basically rip off the characters from a beloved series and throw some sex into the mix...it just annoys me. Thank you for the honest review and for posting it. Now I won't be wasting my money on that!

    Have you read The Hunger Games trilogy? I just finished the first if three books by Veronica Roth called Divergent and Insurgent. I liked them both and am awaiting the third and final book. It reminded me of The Hunger Games in some aspects, but it didn't feel like it mirrored it.

    I found you via the West Coast Blog Hop! ^_^

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  9. AHAHAHA! Megan you're too funny!! I did read the Twilight books (sorry, didn't like them) but I haven't (and won't) read this one. I did wonder what it was all about since its been talked about all summer already. Thanks for sharing your review of it! I found it hilarious and totally agree with your views on how things have changed as to what's a sexy turn on now that I've got kids too! So funny - and absolutely true. Thanks for sharing and bringing me a chuckle!!

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  10. So glad I found your review through twitter! I've just finished the free preview of this on my kindle. I'll probably go ahead and buy it. I like a good erotic novel. I'm glad to know a little more about the premise and the similarities to the Twilight series. I liked the Twilight books, but I did grow tried of Bella and her damsel in distress characterization.

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  11. This is an interesting take on Fifty. I wasn't into the whole Twilight scene, but even just knowing the little bit I do know about Twilight I totally see the similarities now. I couldn't stop reading book one of Fifty, book two has gotten a little slow and the plot is {barely} picking up. I agree that the sex scenes are steamy but good God give the readers a break!! Loved reading your review of Fifty, thanks for sharing! Oh and have you read all three or just the first?

    side note: new reader here, loving your blog :)

    you can visit me here: www.theviewfromfiveten.com

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  12. I just found you through LIY, and immediately fell in love with you.....in a blog kind of way of course ;) and after reading some of your stuff ie, your post on PPD, I am hooked. Newest follower!
    xoxo
    Brit

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  13. HA HA HA, You are crackin me up over here! I never read the twilight series but i have seen the first couple of movies, which i do know the books are always better! However after your review this is one book i don't think i need to read you've said it all!...Mommy porn? REALLY?!?! I hadn't heard that term and that makes me laugh! I love a good love story, the wanting and longing and the secret encounters. That's enough "Mommy porn" for me and i'm no prude either you have to leave some things to the imagination! It's just better that way!

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  14. I find the Twlight connection intersting because I barely got half way through the first Twilight book and put it down never to pick it up again. The Fifty Shades Trilogy on the other I read in one weekend. It was a three day weekend but still :) I hope she follows through and actually comes out with Fifty Shades of Christian. I guess it shows there is somethng for everyone.

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  15. I haven't read the book, but I was going to put it on my summer reading list. I am now thinking twice about that because frankly I am right there with ya sista! The sex scenes that so trite and cliche just don't do it for me anymore. I did read all of the Twilight series mainly so that I could keep up with what my teen daughter was reading, and I could see why so many grown women and girls were into them, but even those I was disappointed but oh so helpless Bella! Yeah, I'm gonna take this one off the list. Thanks for narrowing it down for me.

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  16. Ha. I had read these books and THEN heard that they were Twilight fan fiction. I hadn't taken the time though to compare the characters, but now that you have done that for me (thank you so much)! I might have to go back and read them again looking at them from a Twilight perspective. Hmm. Maybe on vacation. Just found you from Living in Yellow, and I think I am going to like it here... a lot. :)

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  17. Ha! I felt the same way. I'm the same age as you and I was always like, "yeah, right, what girl would want to do that?" Even as a 22 year old! Especially the part where she flew back from Georgia... Those cross country flights are killers. The first thing I would want is a shower and/or bed.

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  18. I just picked up the book last week. Haven't started yet. And I stopped at the word "spoiler". I'll have to come back to this post after I've read it!!!

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  19. Oh my god. :) I had heard about this book by title only. I had no idea what it was about. It figures there would be a Twilight-ish spin. I get the whole book thing now (apparently) is girls who are just one step away from the wrong end. Bella, Katniss, and apparently Anna/Bella. Don't get me wrong I really liked the Twilight (own all four) and the Hunger Games books, but not being able to make up your mind AT ALL between two boys is getting old. Oh well. At least there's a little S&M to lighten the mood. I'm almost ready to read the book just see how "exhausting" the sex scenes are.

    Thanks for the review! I would have probably just said, "oh yeah, that book" the next time I heard about it. Honesty is my favorite. And I will take that bath and bubble bath, thank you!

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