This is another post that wasn't what I was going to originally post about. But here I am at 10:02 am and I'm still second guessing, and tearing up, and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
Caitlin cries. Every day we have school. That is every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Beginning August 26th. We have had a few tear free mornings, but I think the number of tear free mornings is actually 3. Just 3.
I have tried to be tough. I've tried to be strong. Today, it broke me. Today, the tears introduced a crying jag that began as we turned into the lot. The jag, turned into lots of "NO"s and "I'm not going" as I tried to get her out of the car. Trying to get an uncooperative preschooler out of a 3-point harness booster seat with a 1 year old on your hip is really an act reserved for the circus... The jag, turned into wails, as I of course was becoming overwhelmed and frustrated. I broke into a sweat as I felt the eyes of the other parents watching. Waiting for my next move. Will she scream? Will she spank? Will she give in?
Yes, I dragged my precious girl into school today. Yes, I kissed her and told her I loved her, and I promised I'd be back soon... And yes, the delightful and kind, Ms. Teacher pulled and pried a kicking and crying Caitlin off my body. She begged me to stay. She begged me to take her with me. She begged me for things I'm not even sure she knew she was begging for. And I broke. I had to pick up Mac, and stand at the end of the hall, listening to screams and pleas, as I let a few tears fall.
How do I know if I'm doing this right? Was I wrong to tell her that her behavior was out of control? Was it selfish that I was embarrassed?
I know I can't give in. If I do, she will just eat it up, and we will never go to school again. Giving in isn't an option. I'm sad because I loved school, and Caitlin tells me she doesn't like it. How do I convey that school is a privilege? That school and learning is awesome. I can't bring myself to tell her that this school gig isn't a one year deal... Preschool is just the beginning.
So as my other blog-goddess/BF would say, I'm bringing it to the blog. I'm asking for help. Help me, please. Any kind words or suggestions will do. Say a prayer, send courage vibes, light a candle. I'm sure many of you have dealt with this or are dealing with this. How did you do it? How are you doing it?
Today I broke. After weeks of being strong. I'm ok with that. As I tell Caitlin, when I pick her up, after those tear filled mornings,
"Tomorrow is another day. We can try again tomorrow."